What was I thinking? I thought to myself as I was sitting in a chair, three teachers around me. I felt sick. I felt my body’s weight crushing upon me. There was pain in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but it was hard to hold it back. Deep, confusing thoughts were taking place in my head. I left the physical world, but I quickly returned when they asked me, "WHY?" That was one question I had been searching for, a question that even I didn't know the answer to. I felt when I messed with the computers I took on a different personality. This was not really me. My memory of what happened felt distant. I was barely able to answer their questions.  I wanted to tell the truth, but I couldn’t. I needed time to think.

    My parents were angry at first but they were very supportive. I could see the disappointment in their eyes. It was hard to look at them; every time I did, somewhere deep inside I could feel the hurt. “God, tell me it’s not true; tell me it didn’t happen.” The only problem is, that it did. I’m told the first step to healing is to admit your problem. It’s true. After a few days I had pulled myself together, I was better able to talk, and I felt like me again.

    Just because something might be fun or cool doesn’t mean it’s right. I don't ever remember making a conscious decision to infect the school's computers or attempt to retrieve information that didn't belong to me. I never thought about it in that way but I wish I had. Whenever you act you should always think of the consequences. I never really thought I would get caught. My friends said I would but the prospect never occurred to me. Listen to your friends, look beyond your self, only then can you see what will happen.

    After everything was fixed I went through the restorative justice process. I was lucky. If it hadn’t been for the understanding people in my community, I would have gone to court. Who knows what awful things could have happened? I think things are starting to get better even as I’m writing this right now, but I still feel the pain.

    Integrity is being true to one's ethical beliefs and taking action based on those beliefs. Someone I know once phrased it as, "what you do when no one is watching." Like integrity, computer ethics is hard to explain. There are so many possible things to do, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it’s right or wrong. If you ever wander down the wrong path, remember, it’s not if you get caught it’s when.

We all make mistakes, but what matters is what we’re thinking when we make that mistake. "Not Thinking" is no excuse.

                        --Mark--